On The Occasion of My Brother's Wedding
How can we embark with confidence on this course
When love in ruins is all we see around?
While radios bleat their faith in this great force,
We doubt their creed when it has run aground.
We know that people change, that men are fickle,
That 'irreconcilable differences' arise,
That sometimes relationships get in a pickle,
And yet we yearn for love sure as the skies.
Such love is found in one place, only one,
Where desire unites with agony and loss,
Where joy is sharper, deeper than mere fun,
And a Bridegroom loves a Bride from on a cross.
Beneath the loving eye and bloody face,
Now glorified, of Him Who such love chose,
Together we set out and steer by grace
Towards a port we know not- but He knows.
We trust in Him Who first that saying coined,
"You cannot pull apart what God has joined."
22 hours ago
5 comments:
A couple of spelling mistakes, Glenn. Hwere in the third stanza and arrise in the second.
I do like this:
Beneath the loving eye and bloody face,
Now glorified, of Him Who such love chose,
Together we set out and steer by grace
Towards a port we know not
and this, both sound-and-meaningwise:
And a Bridegroom loves a Bride from on a cross.
I like too the continuity of metaphor from "run aground" in the first stanza to the port of the third, and how you use what is normally a cliche (run aground) as an image without making it obvious. And how the eye and face of Christ serve almost as a star.
Now, for some criticism, if I may be so bold:
What is the "great force" of the third line of stanza one? Also, I am not sure about "when love in ruins is all we see around." The problem I think I have is that it is not functioning as an image, only a concept.
I like the repeated "that" and it is particularly effective rhetorically here. However, if you are going to say irreconcilable differences, you should put it in quotes. I like too both the hexametric line, and the weak syllable rhyming on fickle, but I do not like "That sometimes relationships get in a pickle" because you have already used one cliche there (which is alright and effective). To use "get in a pickle" again is to push the point a little too far, I think, particularly given that you have already used, effectively, repeated thats to make the same point. I like the stanza as a whole otherwise. "sure as the skies" is good.
I do like the repeated "one" of Stanza 3. "Where desire unites" is interesting as a second foot anapaestic substitution to make the point about the strange combination, and also the change of themes that happens there.
The third stanza is the best. The poem almost hinges on it. My only quibble is with the end, which I think is bad english. I have a more minor quibble about the repeated "love". Maybe, if you want to emphasize choice, you could try "of Him who chose such love" and rework the rhyming. Just a suggestion. Also, I would emphasize Divine action rather more because of the ending. We are steered, drawn, but the steerer is also bridegroom to us.
Now, the ending. This is fascinating, and I think the poem is interesting because really the wedding (like that at Cana) is that between God and men, heaven and earth. I like the assumed first person, for this reason.
An epithalamium is a hideously difficult genre to write, and you have done very well All in all, it is very good.
Wow. I love how you can use all this technical jargon to describe and critique something that for me is basically intuitive. Makes me sound like I know what I'm doing.
I didn't even know what an epithalamium was (had to look it up)!
Specific responses to your comments then:
The spelling mistakes I have now fixed. I thank you for pointing them out.
It is interesting when writing poetry how some metaphors and conceits are intentional while others seem to arise organically without one noticing. The ship imagery begun with 'run aground' was intentional. The idea of Christ as the guiding star was not, and I didn't see it until you pointed it out, but now that you have I like it very much and wish I could take credit for it.
The 'great force' is love so-called, but the kind bleated by radios, ie the kind of romantic fuzzy feelings that most love songs are about. 'love in ruins' is actually a reference to a novel by Walker Percy- "Love in the Ruins"- which is fundamentally about alienation, both social and otherwise, but most particularly between soul and body.It ends with its protagonist, a self-proclaimed 'bad Catholic' and psychiatrist who has had a nervous breakdown, unexpectedly settling down and raising a family. That the reference only functions as a concept rather than an image I will admit.But I still like it.
I have taken your advice regarding 'irreconcilable differences'.
I take your point about the pickle. I have thought that that part was possibly the weakest part of the poem and your criticism confirms it. The rhyme works but it is a cliche and not a particularly agreeable one.
I have no idea what a second foot anapaestic substitution is, but I'm happy to have used one if you think it works.
The 'from on a cross' is, as you suspect, bad English. During the course of writing, I tried a couple of different prepositions there, but none of them seemed to carry quite the sense or image I wanted. 'from on' carries the idea both of stationariness (if that's a word) and direction. The Bridegroom is on the cross. The love comes from there. No other way of putting it seemed to me poetically satisfying. Any chance we can put that one down to poetic licence?
The repeated 'love' doesn't bother me. Adds emphasis. Quibble rejected.
Re Divine action, I take your point. But being an epthalamium, as you pointed out, I wanted the tone to be one of intention; speaking in the voice of the bridegroom and bride (ie my brother and his now-wife), what their willed choice is, what their approach is, as they begin their married life together. If you want to extend the metaphor, the direction their prow is set. Thus the last stanza and couplet are primarily from their perspective, in the knowledge of what has already been said, and is one of journeying, of choosing, of trusting. Naturally, prevenient grace is a factor (and grace is mentioned and emphasised) but the focus is on the human side of the synergism. Perhaps more could be made of us (and both my brother and his wife in this instance) being the Bride to Christ's Bridegroom, but a sonnet is limited and is not a dissertation. Some ideas cannot be fully developed.
Such as it is though, I think it worked. Thankyou for your criticism. It is very much appreciated. Maybe later you can explain some of the jargon to me. :)
An anapaest is a foot made up of two unaccented syllables followed by an accented syllable. So that where you have five iambs in a classic pentametric line such as
Such LOVE is FOUND in ONE place, ONly ONE
here you have a hexametric substitution, i.e. six feet (which to my ear are all iambs):
That IRreCONcilABle DIFFerenCES arISE
I wonder whether you can be persuaded to change the rhyme on pickle, but it is your poem.
Where DESire unITES with AGoNY and BLISS
and a hexametric substitution is this
Is accent the same as word stress? Because I drill word stress with my students. But the examples you've given don't match up. I would have said rather:
Where deSIRE uNITES with AGony and LOSS
I do wonder whether actually knowing this stuff would make me a better poet, or whether it is neither here nor there.
Further ponderment: Is it odd for a craftsman to be both ignorant and uninterested in the science of his craft?
What I meant to say was this:
An anapaest is a foot made up of two unaccented syllables followed by an accented syllable. So that where you have five iambs in a classic pentametric line such as
Such LOVE is FOUND in ONE place, ONly ONE
here you have a hexametric substitution, i.e. six feet (which to my ear are all iambs):
That IRreCONcilABle DIFFerenCES arISE
I wonder whether you can be persuaded to change the rhyme on pickle, but it is your poem.
The rest was a leftover which I accidentally left in.
No. Word stress can be part of accent, but the stress in a foot is relative to the syllables in the foot. So if you put a weakly stressed last syllable in front of a strongly stressed first syllable of the following word, even if that is not the word stress. Again, there is no four syllable foot. So, "With Agony and Loss" is
"with AGoNY and LOSS"
I think it would because the trick is to stop and not put down the first thing that comes into your mind, but to force it to fit a pattern.
It is not odd for a craftsman to be ignorant of his craft, but I think it is odd for him to be uninterested in it, once he is made aware of its existence.
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